心情真的很不好。我觉得自己很彷徨，很无助。
我经常都在想，朋友们是不是觉得我很多余呢？我是不是对你们来说就是nobody呢？I just can't help but to think that way...
我其实真的很希望你们有事的时候，开心的，不开心的，我都可以跟你们分享。寂寞的时候有我来陪；想哭的时候，我肩膀可以给你依靠。 不是只有开心的事情。
我知道我很会讲话，经常跟你们分享很多很多我周围、近期发生的事。你们都会听我说，我觉得很温馨。可是我也希望自己可以成为你们的听众啊。
我很担心你们伤心的时候，寂寞的时候，无助的时候。这些时候要怎么度过？我希望可以陪你们度过啊。
现在大家都有自己的生活圈，一年来都很少可以聚在一起聊天。 想一起约会的时候我就胡思乱想了。想你们是不是有了新的朋友，更加靠近你们的，更加聊得来的？我是不是不被需要了？
特别是我很喜欢线上聊天的时候放很多表情来传达我真的很开心的心情，可是当朋友只回了我一句，或者更甚的，只有一个字，我真的很痛。 心痛的很想哭。 可我不敢说，因为我怕，怕你们会不会在想：这人真烦，真不想跟她在这扯。
有时会想，要是你们讨厌我的话，可不可以直说呢？或许我就不会再一次厚着脸皮来跟你聊天，问你最近怎么样了。
大家都有了另一半，只有我没有。我无法体会到你们那些爱来爱去，为彼此牺牲、改变的心情。我只在乎你们快不快乐。觉得自己很不成熟，没有办法跟你们站在同一个高度看世界，觉得你们会嫌弃我。
你们都很厉害，朝着自己的方向前进，而我？原地踏步。成绩平平的，人缘平平的，爱好平平的，人生平平的，连外貌都平平的。我的人生就好比平静的水面，没有一丝涟漪。
其实很多时候我都不敢说想你们，因为感觉就好像自己在自作多情一样，像个小丑。
不知道自己应该怎样才会让自己不这么平，让你们可以看到我，这么一个平平的人，在你们的身后，在想跟你们说：“伤心难过的时候，不用担心，有我。” 可这一切就像个笑话，感觉像个小丑，自己作乐。
是不是留在后面的人就会这么的被遗忘呢？
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
孝
大家都说：“做人要往前看， 不要往后看。”
可是我觉得，不全对。
我总觉得，人，还是时不时要往后看看的。看看有没有忘了些什么人、事、物。
现在你叫我煮东西，我第一句一定会回你说：“你不怕进医院啊？我才不想毒死人呢！”。昨天突然想起了这件事。细细发现，其实不是不会煮，而是愿不愿意煮罢了。
想起几年前，家里状况不是很好，只有妈妈一个人在支撑整个家。屋子不大，小小的，可是一家人却很快乐。三个兄弟姐妹间会吵架，可是感情还蛮好的。套用那时的口头禅，大概就是“我们在联络感情！”。
当时妈嘛很忙，没时间做饭，每次都是在外面打包的。可是偶尔，我们却会去煮东西。
回想起来很难相信，原来我洗过鱼，煮过鱼。
虽然那鱼被我煮成不像样，可是那种成就感、那种温馨是没办法忘记的。记得妈嘛一脸的感动，真的觉得那种日子真的很不错。
不知从几时开始，我们把这些都忘了。
妈嘛的付出何时变得理所当然，我几时变得这么目中无人了？
当你以为你现在很不错的时候，那就是你要做出改变的时候了。
因为你开始自满了。
现在明白这些可能有点晚，可是我觉得一定要改，只要有心，一切都不晚。
“树欲静而风不止，子欲养而亲不待。” 不要以为“很忙”可以当理由，那只是你无心罢了。
可是我觉得，不全对。
我总觉得，人，还是时不时要往后看看的。看看有没有忘了些什么人、事、物。
现在你叫我煮东西，我第一句一定会回你说：“你不怕进医院啊？我才不想毒死人呢！”。昨天突然想起了这件事。细细发现，其实不是不会煮，而是愿不愿意煮罢了。
想起几年前，家里状况不是很好，只有妈妈一个人在支撑整个家。屋子不大，小小的，可是一家人却很快乐。三个兄弟姐妹间会吵架，可是感情还蛮好的。套用那时的口头禅，大概就是“我们在联络感情！”。
当时妈嘛很忙，没时间做饭，每次都是在外面打包的。可是偶尔，我们却会去煮东西。
回想起来很难相信，原来我洗过鱼，煮过鱼。
虽然那鱼被我煮成不像样，可是那种成就感、那种温馨是没办法忘记的。记得妈嘛一脸的感动，真的觉得那种日子真的很不错。
不知从几时开始，我们把这些都忘了。
妈嘛的付出何时变得理所当然，我几时变得这么目中无人了？
当你以为你现在很不错的时候，那就是你要做出改变的时候了。
因为你开始自满了。
现在明白这些可能有点晚，可是我觉得一定要改，只要有心，一切都不晚。
“树欲静而风不止，子欲养而亲不待。” 不要以为“很忙”可以当理由，那只是你无心罢了。
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Love you
Ytd mom got sick. High fever around 5 o'clock in the morning.
It really freaked me out, I was really worried.
My mom has always been very kind n caring. If u want me to describe her in words, i'll say "傻得让人心疼". She won't tell u if she's not feeling well or sick, she'll just smile at u n says she's fine.
Ytd, i came to understand her feelings very well.
Two weeks ago i was emitted to the hospital due to dengue. I was lucky cause it was found out at kinda early stage. Dengue virus triggered my gastric so ya.
I was kinda ok ald when the doctor gave me medicines on curing the pain n all, but before that, it was torturing. I knew i freaked my mom out that time, crying in pain n vomitting.
She accompanied me throughout the whole thing. I was hold in the emergancy ward cause there's no more bed in the dengue department. There was no chairs around there n relatives r not allowed to stay with patients in there, so my mom had to wait outside. I can't see her but i know she was really worried. She has problem with her knees, i was so worried going up n down with me would make her knees worse so i told her to go home n rest first, im ok. She told me she can't, with her baby daughter here in hospital, she can't.
Around 7pm i finally got her to go home n to come see me later night. I knew she would b so worried n called everyone who knew bout dengue for advices n preparing my things to stay in hospital. When she came around 10pm, i was still in the emergancy ward and they let her wait outside for an hour to see me which i dont understand why so cause there were quite some ppl seeing their beloved in the ward. My heart felt pain.
She wanted to stay with me for th night, but there's no extra bed there. I know she was down n worried to leave me there alone. And for the next two days, she's been there with me as long as she could even though she's tired. My bro told me she can't sleep at night. :'(
I told her not to worry, Im fine, u can see me so hyper. But she said she will always b worried bout me. I told her there's nothg to b worried about, i couldn't understand.
Ytd, i finally understand.
I slpt at 4am ytd n at 5am i found that she was having high fever. I cant sleep too eventhough i was really tired.
I waited till 9am to send her to clinic near by. Doctor said it was just a cold but im still very worried. After that, she insisted v go do some prayers since me n my sis r going on the trip coming weekends. She never stop worrying bout her babies, huh.
The whole day i cant slp well, just want to make sure she's really ok or see if she needs anything.
It really freaked me out, I was really worried.
My mom has always been very kind n caring. If u want me to describe her in words, i'll say "傻得让人心疼". She won't tell u if she's not feeling well or sick, she'll just smile at u n says she's fine.
Ytd, i came to understand her feelings very well.
Two weeks ago i was emitted to the hospital due to dengue. I was lucky cause it was found out at kinda early stage. Dengue virus triggered my gastric so ya.
I was kinda ok ald when the doctor gave me medicines on curing the pain n all, but before that, it was torturing. I knew i freaked my mom out that time, crying in pain n vomitting.
She accompanied me throughout the whole thing. I was hold in the emergancy ward cause there's no more bed in the dengue department. There was no chairs around there n relatives r not allowed to stay with patients in there, so my mom had to wait outside. I can't see her but i know she was really worried. She has problem with her knees, i was so worried going up n down with me would make her knees worse so i told her to go home n rest first, im ok. She told me she can't, with her baby daughter here in hospital, she can't.
Around 7pm i finally got her to go home n to come see me later night. I knew she would b so worried n called everyone who knew bout dengue for advices n preparing my things to stay in hospital. When she came around 10pm, i was still in the emergancy ward and they let her wait outside for an hour to see me which i dont understand why so cause there were quite some ppl seeing their beloved in the ward. My heart felt pain.
She wanted to stay with me for th night, but there's no extra bed there. I know she was down n worried to leave me there alone. And for the next two days, she's been there with me as long as she could even though she's tired. My bro told me she can't sleep at night. :'(
I told her not to worry, Im fine, u can see me so hyper. But she said she will always b worried bout me. I told her there's nothg to b worried about, i couldn't understand.
Ytd, i finally understand.
I slpt at 4am ytd n at 5am i found that she was having high fever. I cant sleep too eventhough i was really tired.
I waited till 9am to send her to clinic near by. Doctor said it was just a cold but im still very worried. After that, she insisted v go do some prayers since me n my sis r going on the trip coming weekends. She never stop worrying bout her babies, huh.
The whole day i cant slp well, just want to make sure she's really ok or see if she needs anything.
Appreciate every moment u hv with ur family, its very precious.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
A New Start
Well, this is my new blog. Somewhere i wanna start it all over.
A New Me.
Ive always wanted to start a new blog cause my previous blog was always about "i failed but i did tried hard" and bla bla bla.
I mean its so stupid of me cause looking on what Ive achieved, obviously i did not try really hard enough, i was just finding myself excuses to make myself feel better.
However, it was all part of me, i was and now i'll not remain the same old lazy procastinator me anymore.
Im 20y/o now, grown up. Be independent, Be wise, Be responsible, Be considerate and nevertheless, Be hardworking.
ohh, and explore things round me, stop being such frog under the well.
I do hope this blog will record the new me i wanted to bcm so badly.
i hope i can become someone my mom can rely on n b proud of. :)
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